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A thought for the day... ONE MORE DAY!!
 
4 hrs ago / @rv1501 +
Dog roast for dinner??! :( :( :( About 10 yrs ago, a co-worker (an animal activist) introduced me to the…
 
5 hrs ago / @chri +
black and white isn't always black and white.

Guys. I’m going to bring up a topic that I know nothing about but am living every.single.day of my ENTIRE life. (for the past 11 years).

 

The story starts on January 14, 2006. I just gave birth to my daughter, Sienna. The doctor and nurses took her, let me see her, and immediately began the APGAR score or whatever they do when the babies are born. They cleaned her up, everything. But in those immediate seconds...maybe minutes between all of that and letting me see her and looking at her beautiful little face and those little fingers and that dark hair… should I have mentioned to my doctor from day one that she would be black? They didn’t show it, really, but I don’t think I’m lying when I saw a slight surprised reaction.


See, I’m a white girl (obviously) who grew up in a white family (obviously) and as many of us [white] people were raised… we “didn’t see color” or were taught everyone is the same. Do not judge people on their skin color, but by their character. Be kind to everybody. You know the spiel. Jesus loves everybody the same and so should we. Etc. Etc. Plus I grew up in small midwest towns, not always the same ones. And some were larger, some had more minorities…. but primarily white. It wasn’t bad. It just was what it was.
 

Off to college I went with that naive mindset. I came home from college with the same mindset. I was pregnant, with a black child, with that same mindset. When I was pregnant I was so scared about being a single parent, period. I didn’t even realize it would matter that she was black and all of the barriers that could have for her.

 

I remember reading an article and I don’t know if it was the title of the article or a comment on the article, but was saying how white people shouldn’t adopt black babies or something and someone’s quote was “...every black child should have another black family member close to them. period.” and I was so upset and hurt and appalled. Because I didn’t have that for Sienna. I just didn’t. I don’t have that to offer. I decided to raise her knowing full well she would be the ONLY black person in our family. But now I see how they had a point. A good one. I’m just still left without that opportunity.

 

OK, but what if she’s MY child. It HAS to be different, then right!? I mean, she’s HALF me. I MADE her. She’s white, too.

 

SEE. See how incredibly naive I was.

 

Well, now she’s 11 and I see how incredibly wrong I was and I see how much catching up I have to do. And I realized this about two years ago. Maybe one year ago.

 

I have so long to go.

 

I just don’t even know where to start. I’m trying to read articles, which don’t offer much help because so many are about choosing to adopt or not adopt a black child, well it’s not an option she’s MY child. So she’s mine.

I’m not raising her with a black father either. She’s got nobody. She’s just got us white people.

I do have contact (now) with her family in Missouri.

I know I want them to meet her. I know that’d be best for so many reasons.

I suppose that’s a good place to start.

 

I just don’t want to do more harm by doing nothing. Now that I know I need to do better, I guess it’s a good start. I just need help. I need direction.

 

Or it’ll go something as horrible as Crosby explaining to Jabbar what “the n word is” [on Parenthood]……. ugh. #facepalm

 

 

 

 I like this x 3I like this x 3I like this x 3Have a Bear x 1Love x 3Love x 3Love x 3
yesterday / @almost23 +
Chantix Dreams I started Chantix. One of the side effects is very vivid dreams. They certainly…
 
7 hrs ago / @bandgeek24 +
I DIDN'T KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT I FORGOT YOU ARE A GROWN ASS ADULT. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD…
 
8 hrs ago / @bandgeek24 +
Disdain I have trouble ending things. Bad jobs. Bad internships. Bad relationships. …
 
14 hrs ago / @divine +
(no subject) you know those questions like…… “If you could know when your last day on…
 
16 hrs ago / @almost23 +
Community Poll If you earned a liberal art’s degree, what was your degree in and what was first job…
 
18 hrs ago / @divine +
I don't mess around, guys. When this girl makes up her mind, this girl makes up her mind. …
 Have a Bear x 1
yesterday / @almost23 +
(no subject) I found out that when Pam gets really mad she cries, just like me.
 
20 hrs ago / @deeterz +
 
Utilitarianism I follow the Trolley Problem Meme on Facebook. For those unaware, it’s a…
 I like this x 1
22 hrs ago / @calculus +
 
Time Series Analysis

So, I’m in this Recent Developments in Statistics course, and we’re doing Time Series Analysis for the semester.  They did it two years ago or so with a different professor, and they did a different topic last year.

These sorts of courses, these "Recent Developments,” these Seminars, these Special Topics—they’re very disjointed in not having any real prerequisites.  This is a good thing because people of all backgrounds can get in (mostly those Statistics majors who need another class to satisfy hour requirements, where our Stats department is really lacking).

Unfortunately, we’re an experiment, wherein our professor is trying to turn his notes into a textbook.  Some prerequisites are extremely mathematical (which, for our school, our statistics students are not), and we also need a pretty thorough knowledge of different distributions.

We just got our first homework assignment on Tuesday.  It has 9 problems.  The last two require the use of MATLAB, and the first of those is a pretty simple, straightforward “just do this, make a graph, create a function” that I’m sure I’ll learn how to do once I get myself willing to install MATLAB.  The other problem will require some particular programming technique that I’m sure we’ll go over next Tuesday.

The other seven problems, however, we’ve officially learned how to do them, and man-oh-man, are they a nightmare.

Two typos that, without the corrections, make two problems impossible, and I must have spent about 5 or 6 hours trying to crunch through them.

The nice thing is that every single problem had the exact same first few steps.  If you knew how to set it up, you could at least get that far in all of them (which, admittedly, was about 30% of the problem).  Time consuming and tedious, but it’s there.  The rest is all just “statistical algebraic” manipulation.  Algebraic manipulation means you use certain rules you learned in algebra, like factoring out a common factor (the reverse distributive property) or cancellation of numerators and denominators because of exponents or the like.  Statistical algebraic manipulation is the same, only you’re using your stats rules (like how expectation is linear, so E[aX+Y] = aE[X] + E[Y] ).  But you’re typically doing these things twice because you’re doing it on a time series, so you’re doing it on Cov[big function for now, same big function but from earlier].

Eventually you’re done doing statistical algebraic manipulation and just using normal algebraic manipulation (advanced algebraic manipulation, like cos(x) = +/-1 if x is a multiple of pi).  And we’re doing this all on very, very demanding functions.

No, sir!  First homework, testing out our rules on a few basic functions like aX+Y and then ramping up our skills on harder problems?  Naw, let’s just dive into the hard ones.

So once again I’m in a class that’s consuming a great deal of time.  I keep thinking I’m done with these, but then I wind up in a class that I go “Oh, that’s neat.  I bet that’d be interesting and useful” and regretting it.  I was only supposed to have two more that would take up my time, and thanks to this debacle, I’ve extended it to three.

Oh, well.  I have to fulfill my Stats minor somehow.  I have to take 4 classes in Stats for a minor, and this is my 2nd one.  I plan on topping it off with Multivariate Methods and then maybe some dumb class I can ace because Multivariate, Time Series, and Regression Analysis are the only three useful stats courses for me given where I will likely wind up.  Ideally I can get into Introduction to Spatial Statistics (a split-level grad/undergrad course with a lab) because that would also be quite useful for me (particularly the kriging).  If not, I’ll just take Linear Models or Nonparametric Stats because whatever I’ll be done with it.

 

 I like this x 1
yesterday / @calculus +
 
(no subject)
 
yesterday / @mel674 +
Brian in mixed reality My first experiment into Mixed Reality:
 Cool beans x 1
2 days ago / @dustball +
A thought for the day... TWO MORE DAYS!!
 
yesterday / @rv1501 +
Unity 3D Tutorial Want to learn Unity 3D? I made a beginner tutorial today: Download Unity…
 
yesterday / @dustball +
huh

so, today is the first time i have missed tim in a week or so. sometimes i get angry at him, but rarely am i actually missing him...right now, i miss having the ability to text him, and share my happiness with someone who legitimately seemed to enjoy it. i really felt like he had a fantastic foundation for genuine compersion and nonmonogamy. i mean, he probably still does have those things, it just won't be as part of my polycule. 

john and maria are at a brewery right now, having drinks. i'm jumping out of my skin with excitement-fueled anxiety. i want to keep texting both of them lol but i can't. that would be quite intrusive. so i really wish i could text someone who could comprehend how i feel right now, how pleased and nervous and full of compersion i am. 

 

 
yesterday / @morte +
My Oneiric Third Way Politcs? I have quite active dreams from roughly 3 a.m. to 5 a.m., after which I…
 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @schencka +
(no subject) When you're joking about your wedding but you're also kind of serious. When you know you knkw
 Love x 1
4 days ago / @americancer +
Google BS Just finally finished my FAFSA. I’m kicking myself for not doing it earlier. It was so…
 
2 days ago / @divine +
 
(no subject) I know it’s so cliche to say that time goes fast, but SERIOUSLY HOW IS IT THE MIDDLE OF JANUARY…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @chel2thec +
Run With It

So I keep thinking about this so I wanted to write about it to get it out of my system I guess.

 

I got this new bud that I’m not enjoying at all. I think I’m gonna sell it to a friend or something to get it off my hands. I’m pretty positive it’s a strong sativa strain, and this shit is not fun for me. 

 

I have a history of depersonalization/dissociation before I ever even tried weed, but only once in the past after smoking weed did I feel a depersonalization affect from weed.

 

Depersonalization is not fun, to me. As someone who suffers from it on a regular basis (actually it’s not been bad the last year or two), I don’t consider it fun and certaintly don’t want to take drugs to induce the feeling. 

 

Yesterday after we went out to breakfast I suggested going for a walk by this marsh outside of town. Jeff suggested we smoke a bit first. Sounds like a nice time, so we did.

 

This was about the 5th time I’ve smoked this weed. I took a decent hit, maybe a little too big for it being strong (that’s what the guy I got it from said) and me being new to smoking regularly.

 

The high while on the walk was overall okay. But then I had some mild visual distortions that I didn’t really like. The most annoying one was while we were walking back to the car. The view of our legs in my peripheral vision looked like our legs were melting and we were walking with wobbly, melted legs. At first I figured it was my high mind playing tricks on me with my sunglasses on so my peripherals were doing weird shit, but then I took the glasses off and the same shit was happening. Maybe since I’m a moderate user I’m just a lightweight and can’t really handle this weed, but either way I don’t really see myself getting comfortable with it – not sure I want to get comfortable with it.

 

And I mean… realistically I might actually even be fine with these kinds of visual distortions, if I didn’t still feel dissociated the next day. I haven’t smoked in over 24 hours and I still feel dissociated. THAT is the worst part. 

 

So yeah, not really pleasant for me. It’s also too stimulating so I can’t even enjoy it when I primarily want to. I want something I can smoke at night and gel before bed – I’m personally not interested in being a stoner that gets high all the time like during the day and shit. I admit I’m self-medicating a depression that has kept me down for the majority of my life. But this shit has thrown off my sleep schedule this past week. One night I was up until 5am and slept in until 10 (it’s not just the weed, though – I’ve been working nights for the past 2 weeks so that’s thrown my schedule off too, but the weed is making it worse, not helping). I hate sleeping in late. To me sleeping in until 10 might as well be 2 in the afternoon. 

 

But there’s no doubt that medicating with marijuana has been helping my depression and getting me into a better place to deal with life. This shit’s just too fucked for me is all.

 

I hope this dissociated feeling goes away soon. I got super dissociated while on that walk, then it went away a while after the high wore off, but then today it’s back again. Augh. I haven’t had bad dissociation on or off weed for a couple years, like I said. It’s almost like my mind was reminded by the weed what it’s like to dissociate and now it’s slipping into that mode. 

 

And worse of ALL, it’s hard to be happy and upbeat when I feel out of my body. It’s too uncomfortable. So it’s like it’s having the opposite affect that I’m going for. D:

 

So yeah. Bleh.

 

Can I just ask a dealer what the fuck they’re selling? Will they know? How do I get weed in a nonlegal state that’s what I want? This is why we need legalization.

 

Might try it one more time… this is the first time I had an uncomfortable reaction with this stuff, probably from smoking too much and being in a different environment than what I’m used to when I smoke (the comfort of my own home). I don’t really feel like bothering right now with trying to get something different if I do give this one to a friend. Unless they can hook me up in exchange… fuck, I dunno. 

 

Whatever. Maybe I’ll just stop smoking and go back to being suicidal until it’s legal/I move.

 

 
2 days ago / @divine +
Eight vs the rest of the world According to the latest calculation, eight people—mostly American…
 
2 days ago / @jacksez +
Nighttime Blogging when I’m stoned doesn’t work because by the time I get a little into writing…
 I like this x 1
6 days ago / @divine +
Successful Sunday Walked to get coffee with a neighbor friend and discovered that she both needed and…
 
3 days ago / @Wishes +
Thoughts on Stuff - Cellular Communication Devices... Who would have ever dreamed it possible that during…
 
3 days ago / @weesaul +
 
(no subject) I have been exercising consistently since August, but have gotten more serious about it in the last month…
 
3 days ago / @chel2thec +
(no subject) How do you get back trust that was never there? Not at all sure that is possible.
 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @cas +
BE UP IN THE GYM JUST WORKING ON MY FITNESS

So NEW YEAR NEW YOU BULLSHIT

I  am getting back into lifting. I am not one of the “I want to tone up” girls. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO CRUSH YOUR SKULL WITH MY THIGHS WHEN YOU’RE GOING DOWN ON ME. 

 

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PICK UP YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND AND THROW HER OUT INTO THE GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF THE EARTH. 

 

I got back on the scale last week after about a month of not checking. 

I about threw it out the window. Back up to what I weighed before I started working out a year and a half ago. 

 

I have been a fat kid ALL of my life, so I was not necessarily disgusted with myself, just REALLY disappointed that all of my sweat and tears over the last year got pissed away in about 3 months of slacking off. 

 

So. I’m back to the 21 day fix meal plan. It rocks. Its not a diet, it teaches you how much to eat of what. Very sustainable.

 

The first time I did it last year I dropped 15 lbs in like 3 weeks. 

 

I’ve lost 10 lbs already of what I am sure was all water weight. I get SUPER bloated when I travel. I literally am just so uncomfortable. 

 

I’ve worked out 4/6 days so far this week. I seriously HATE running when I’m doing it, but the feeling after just jazzes me up. I LOVE THE AFTER FEELING IT’S LITERALLY BETTER THAN AN ORGASM.

 

YAY ENDORPHINS. 

 

SO YEAH. FOR ALL YOU OUT THERE MAKING YOUR FAT CRY, KEEP AT IT. 

 

 

 

 

 
4 days ago / @bandgeek24 +
Texas Woman's University My trip to Dallas/Denton could not have been more wonderful. I picked up my…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @mystupidmouth +
A thought for the day...
 
4 days ago / @rv1501 +
Mexica I'm at the laundry mat waiting for my curtains to dry. There is this absolutely…
 
4 days ago / @divine +
 

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