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(no subject)

When we moved here six years ago, Sienna was definitely struggling in about every way possible. She was emotionally, physically, and mentally just in a rough place. Plus, she was only five years old. A five year old who is going through so much in their life and has no coping skills built up is a tough thing. She was so physically violent and verbally. She’d be in the principal’s office every day, she was constantly pushing my buttons at home and yelling and hitting and pushing…. everything she could to cause problems, to get attention, to have any control over any situation.

In the moment, it was about the most difficult thing that I ever had to deal with. I cried daily, I blamed myself, I got angry at her all the time which just made her do worse. Eventually, I took her to a specialist where she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on medication and we started counseling sessions. The medication was something I hated (and soon after, quit) but I was thankful for the few counseling sessions we did receive for her. Then our lady kept bailing on us and we ended up not going to those either. I still think I should take her to them, but we’re learning to work together and she’s learning to cope better.


Point being.


I was also told how other kids…. if you spank them or give them a little hit on the hand or something, it works. (obviously…. I understand that some people take this as some sort of abuse…. but I was raised with a spanken or a hand slap and it worked… I didn’t do it again and I was scared it’d happen. It taught me what was wrong.) I didn’t want to spank my kids, but in those moments of heated argument and my daughter screaming at me, spitting at me, slamming doors, breaking things, and hurting her sister, making isla (then two) bawl and just escalated emotion/anger in her…. I’d spank her. I hated it. I hated it but I did it. Then she started hitting more.

Apparently, children going through the stuff she was….. well, it just makes them become  physical with others. It was true. She was doing it all the time at school and at home. And if I spanked her she’d spank me back times ten.


SO, one night, she was having a fit about going to bed. And this fit lasted over an hour. And her sister was trying to sleep, I was exhausted (single mom, new job, going through divorce, EXXHAAAUUUSSTTEEEDDDDD). So, I sat in my room for a couple of minutes (it was almost 11PM and she was still throwing a fit and screaming…..). I got up, picked her up and held her close to me, and took her into our basement.

I sat her on a chair in the basement.
*This surprised her. She stopped screaming and hitting/kicking me.*

I told her to stay there, I’d be right back.

I knew we had some canvas and pant downstairs and I started going through all of our boxes until we found it. I duct taped two or three canvases up to the wall….. got the paint out…. and went back into the room she was sitting in, took her hand, and led her into the other room. I put some Taylor Swift on (one of her favorites at the time) and said “we’re going to paint”.

She looked at me like I was CRAZY!!!!

This little 5/6 year old and I started to just paint and listen to music and didn’t say a word. Eventually she started having fun with it (after the shock of an 11 pm painting/jam sesh sunk in…. during a time she was in MAJOR trouble).


That’s when I learned that sometimes when I get upset or angry and we’re all stressed in the house for various reasons….. sometimes it’s best to just “walk away” in a way that isn’t walking away, but just finding something to escape to right there.




WHICH is why I decided to go to Beauty and the Beast last night with the girls. When we shouldn’t. On a school night. Late. Even though they’d had a horrible morning. And we had stuff to do last night around home.


We needed it.


It was perfect.


 Love x 1
7 hrs ago / @almost23 +
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Thoughts on Ohiopyle...

The river of my life…

Flowing through the mountains of my soul

With each passing year

The deeper it carves its way

Towards the very core of my being

Piece by piece taking a bit off the top

And carrying it to parts unknown

Miles and miles I have floated against my will

Unable to stop, unable to turn back

Always going with the flow wherever it make take me

And I wonder if this is all there is

Drifting along, no control, just going with the flow

I want to have a say in what my final destination is

I want to have some steering input in my destiny

For once in my life I wish to be heard above the roar of the river

Just once – then I shall return to my aimless drifting through life

As I make my way to the sea…


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It occurred to me

Whenever I post “existence is pain” stuff on Facebook nobody questions whether or not I’m okay. Is it because the people I know are well aware of how nihilistic I am? Do they accept that I want to die? I’m not suicidal. I just am really not invested in surviving. I long for some freak accident to befall me and to be free. 


On the other hand whenever I see people on my feed who post shitty political opinions and then post depression memes I think “Good. That’s what your shitty opinions have gotten you.” Meanwhile I posted communist memes and existential crisis memes all the time. So I wonder if people are thinking the same thing about me. The existence is pain stuff helps me release the existential dread. If I can laugh about how nothing means anything then it doesn’t hurt. And if I can laugh about how capitalism is stifling us as humans then it doesn’t have to hurt. 


Okay that last one still does hurt.


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. . . .

Summary of my night:

Random number texts me asking what they did to piss me off. I'm trying to load my kid up to go get our pizza. He Rolls the back window down. (Haven't even started the car yet) he's yelling out the open window like some heathen. I jump out, strap the kid in his seat, roll up window. Kid starts screaming as we drive off because he wants window down. Turns out the number is my boss. Park at pizza place. Kid still screaming. Send 3 paragraph emotional response to boss about what she's been doing. Get hit in the face with a snow boot from tantrum throwing child in the backseat. Do one of those backwards flying arm slap fests that parents do in cars. Scream. Cry. Calm down. People are assholes so I can't leave my kid in the car for 45 seconds without someone calling authorities. We laugh about a silly bumblebee in the grass. We go inside. Grab pizza. Child clings to counter top, unwilling to let go. Pull on child while trying not to drop pizza. Child continues death grip on service counter. Owner asks counter girl if she's waiting on anything. I say "Nope! Just trying to get my kid out of here!" Eventually I put pizza down. Throw child over my shoulder. Child starts screaming and flailing. Balance pizza in my other hand. Kid still screaming. Strap flailing disaster into carseat. Get in. Close door. Yell again. "WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT?! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BEHAVE YOURSELF!?" Calm down enough to drive home. Meanwhile my phone has been going off. Boss apologizing. I explain some more to her. Child now subdued to a pout in backseat. Refuses to shoes back on. I take them and Chuck them on the sidewalk.

Everntually we're inside. I turn on the tv. Child face plants on to the carpet and starts a other tantrum. He wanted to turn the tv on.




Now... I could Walk to the pizza place if I really really wanted to. Its literally a 2 minute drive away.

This whole "getting pizza" thing, should have taken AT MOST 5 minutes.

It took about 30.

......This is why I never leave my house.

If I could whoop my kids ass in public I would.


... and no. I'm not usually so emotionally responsive to his tantrums but my boss kind of tipped the scales on that one.


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oh no!

i biffed it tonight. 

i made plans with travis for tonight, and didn't write it down anywhere, and tonight at 6:30pm i was working out (holy shit yeah!) in my pajamas when my phone went off - it was travis asking if i was still coming over. 

in truly unlike me fashion, i got ready and headed over; the negative implication is that this might be a minor manic phase, because i'm usually much better about being aware of plans. i don't even remember the last time i forgot about social plans, because generally there is enough anxiety surrounding the concept that i've fixated on it. 


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Little change, easier to manage

It was that time again, where I went up in the mountains to do nerd shit with other nerds. The last girl I dated is way in to doing that nerd shit so she was there and I got to spend time with her again. I’m well capable of being her close friend when I don’t see her. But when I actually spend time with her I am reminded of why I liked her to begin with. It was not as hard this time to see her as it was the last time so that’s improvement I guess. This whole romantic obsession thing is a real blight on my existence. 


I talked to a friend today who said that we usually cling to the thing that last made us happy. ...she has her own issues. It’s not like the girl I was dating was the last thing to make me happy. But I certainly got something out of it that I have not yet gotten elsewhere. And over this weekend I had some negative thoughts that were unhelpful. “It was so easy for her to decide not to date me...” etc. Things that really made me sad. But I reminded myself that those thoughts did not serve a function and it was easy to change tracks at that point.


I do wish that she had chosen me though.


Ain’t that just the story of my life.


Oh. It was a good weekend though. I spent time with other friends as well and it was generally a fun time. It was even a fun time to see the girl I dated. It just stirred up some less comfortable feelings as well. 


6 days ago / @cactusofdoom +

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